Are We Having Sex Yet?

We had a wonderful deep conversation the other day. I felt very connected with you. Is that having sex?

We sat around a campfire, surrendering to the moment. The warmth, the peace, the quiet, the connection with fire and each other. Is that sex?

We went for a walk along a beautiful wooded trail and I held you hand. I really loved the feeling of your hand in mine. I felt so close to you. Was that having sex?

When I hugged you and it felt like we were merged into one, was that sex?

That day when I looked into your eyes, the whole world went away. We were wonderfully lost in each other…pure bliss. Would that be sex?

How about when we sat naked in the hot tub and really connected spiritually. We were naked and it felt like we merged. Was that having sex?

How about that other time when we were in the hot tub and I lightly tickled you all over. We surrendered to the moment. You blissed out and I really enjoyed the touching. But we were never “sexually” aroused. Is that still considered sex?

Or how about that incredible massage. We were both naked on the bed and I massaged you all over for what felt like hours, including your breasts and bottom. I was enjoying the intimacy immensely but was not “sexually” aroused. That must have been sex, right?

How about that time we shared a bed. I held you and felt oh so very close. We talked until we fell asleep together. We both kept our clothes on all night (I have to admit I had to think “cold shower” a couple of times that night). Would one think that that was having sex?

Ok, could this be sex? We were naked in bed and took turns tickling each other all over while avoiding each other’s sexual organs. We were in heaven and being careful to not arouse each other sexually. But I was in your bed and I was naked with you so that must have been sex, right?

Then there was the time when I was really feeling my hormones and you were definitely not in the mood. But you graciously invited me to have intercourse so I would feel better. It was very one sided. That sure looks like sex but there was no merging, just release. So what would one call that?

How about when I stimulated your vagina with my fingers and you had an orgasm. Yet I never took my clothes off. That was a lot of fun and it felt good, but not much mutual physical merging. Yet one could certainly call that sex!

So what is sex?

Is it the physical act or is it the deep connecting with another?

Is it the process or the meaning or the thought?

When I merge with you could it be that only then do I love you fully?

Does my having deep connected feeling for another take away from my feelings with you?

How far can I merge with another before it is called sex?

Physically?

Emotionally?

Mentally?

Spiritually sex is the ultimate form of merging, of physical oneness. Yet we can experience merging without the sexual arousal. And we can certainly experience sex without merging.

When is it considered inappropriate with someone who is not your spouse or with someone of the same sex?

So where do we draw the line? That line is determined by our “tribe”, by the society we live in. It changes vastly between different tribes. Many of us live strictly by our religious rules and others bend the rules to ease their conscience (oral sex is ok but not vaginal intercourse).

What is okay?

Is it okay to have sex for the physical pleasure and release?

Is it okay to mentally merge with you without your knowing it?

Is it okay to blend with you without physically touching?

Is it okay to yearn and fantasize about another without acting on those feelings?

Where do I set my boundaries? What boundaries do I set for my partner? How free am I to express with another what I feel? How honestly to I merge with others? With everyone?

In Gods view, there is no right and wrong, there only “Is”. Ultimately, we need to let our truth help us decide.

So when we are merging with another, regardless of the circumstances, we are having sex, and not.

Ron and Jeanie

April 22, 2001